NATALYA ARLOVSKAYA: User Guide and Manual
by 1Julivia
Summary: CONGRATULATIONS! You've just received your very own NATALYA ARLOVSKAYA unit! For the security of your life and sanity, we oblige you to follow these guidelines to the letter, unless, of course you're into suffering from excruciating pain or immediate death, we've compiled variants of ways in this manual to handle your rather deadly and fickle unit.


_**A/N: Arrrrrrgghh... there are soo many things to do... school's alright. I fight for every ninety I get and anguish over anythign lower than an eighty and my spelling is terrible pleasee excuse me this was dine in a terrible hurry. Each time i do something i know is less than good I imagine an Aztec javelin impalking my little head straight through from the heavens... but why a JAVELIN? Why not a bolt odf lightning at least? But wierdly, I imagine God smiting me with an Aztec javelin. I dk, maybe because I'm mexican, or that we went over the Spanish conquista era in AP World Hisoty... mehavdjfjds Ukraine's and Japan's manuals will be postedn soon! **_

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**NATALYA ARLOVSKAYA: User Guide and Manual**

**CONGRATULATIONS!** You've just received your very own NATALYA ARLOVSKAYA unit! For the security of your life and sanity, we oblige you to follow these guidelines to the letter, unless, of course you're into suffering from excruciating pain or immediate death, we've compiled variants of ways to handle your rather deadly and fickle unit.

**Technical Specifications **

Name: Natalya Arlovskaya. Will respond to "Belarus", "Siastra", "Sister", "Natalya", "Crazy bitch" and "Stalker", but in a dark way to the last two.

Age: 19

Place of manufacture: Minsk, Belarus

Height: 5'3"

Weight: N/A

Sizing: 38C (Note, we almost lost an employee finding this out)

**Your NATALYA ARLOVSKAYA unit comes with the following accessories:**

One (1) seven inch standard kitchen knife

One (1) Standard brown leather-skin diary equipped with pen

One (1) dark purple traditional Russian dress with apron

One (1) Gymnastics outfit with Belarusian flag design on back

Two (2) 200 pack stacks of marriage certificates

**Programming**

Your NATALYA ARLOVSKAYA is equipped with the following traits:

Ghost Hunter: Want to catch shots of strange encounters from beyond the grave? Want to be able to show off to your friends and the National Inquirer that life after death _indeed _exists? Or maybe to get rid of the restless spirits haunting the creepy house down the street? Well look no further, because your unit is as ferocious as a lion when it comes to catching sight of those poltergeists next door! Due to her head strong nature, she'll never turn down a challenge of providing evidence of her ghost hunting abilities, or backing down from an enemy. Please note to be careful on not sending her on too many of these jobs, as she will become bored and start to take pictures of you for blackmail into giving her something. (Or buying the IVAN BRAGINSKI unit on our online catalog)

Acrobat/Gymnastics Champion: Not many know that your NATALYA ARLOVSKAYA unit is a very good acrobat and you can enter her in competitions or the Olympics and watch the prize money be dumped on your house, or hire her for inside jobs that will put her talent to good use. You may want to give her portions of the winnings, because what is also not known is that she is very observant about maintaining money for herself, so unless you conveniently live near a hospital, we advise you to not be stingy and share.

Fortune Teller: NATALYA ARLOVESKAYA is a marvelous fortune teller, and her readings are very accurate due to her ability to perceive things beyond what we regularly see.

Bride Model: Your NATALYA ARLOVSKAYA unit yearns for the day when she will join her beloved in holy, –or unholy, whatever it takes– permanent, arranged, and irreversible marriage. Until then, get her a job at a bride's dress modeling agency, because of her drop-dead gorgeous looks, she will be sure to earn her keep at this job and feel comfortable with it. She will get wistful now and again, but her vigor never goes away for long, so don't bother her about her "feelings" unless you want a knife in your pancreas, or get emotionally broken by her harsh and vulgar curse words.

**Removal of your NATALYA ARLOVSKAYA Unit from Packaging**

Being the rather obsessive, crazy, intricate minefield and having the bullying nature that possesses the Belarusian unit more severely than any other IVAN BRAGINSKI unit, waking her up is onerous in its own right, and we respect you, the customer, in having the gall to try and handle our most dangerous unit. Though there are many rewards in trying to bond with this rather cumbersome unit, we wouldn't want you get killed or anything, so we compiled a list of solid ways to wake up your unit without possibly getting internal bleeding on your part.

1. Bring an IVAN BRAGINSKI or Little!Russia unit into the room to wake her up. The former will be hesitant if you outwardly tell him that it's a NATALYA ARLOVSKAYA unit so you'll have to lie to him and tell him it's a TORIS LAURINAITIS or RAIVIA GALANTE unit, and he'll proceed to wake her up, thinking it's either unit you lie to him about. Once he realizes it's her, don't fret, because NATALYA ARLOVSKAYA will now commence her trademark chase. If the latter, Little!Russia will be happy to wake her up, and she will wake peacefully, you can reprogram her and all will be well. We are not responsible for any molestation that will occur to any Little!Russia units from your NATALYA ARLOVSKAYA.

2. Let a TORIS LAURAINTIS or FELIKS ŁUKASIEWICZ to wake her up, and once again, let the former know, and omit information to the latter. At the TORIS LAURANTIS unit, NATALYA ARLOVSKAYA will proceed to cursing him with all her might to "Get the f**k away" from her and if he's close, she'll claw at his face. He won't mind much, but will react to the pain from her nails. Once your FELIKS ŁUKASIEWICZ realizes it is NATALYA ARLOVSKAYA, he will try and get out of her way as she breaks out of her box to land a punch at him for bothering her. Reprogram her while she's distracted from either option.

3. Bake or heat up either Tula gingerbread, _vatrushka_, or generally anything Russian with a strong smell, and waft or fan the scent of the sweet(s) in the direction of the box. NATALYA ARLOVSKAYA will open her box from the inside with surprising strength and come out to see if an IVAN BRAGINSKI or YEKETERINA CHERNENKO unit is nearby. Once she realizes neither is there, she will commence eating what you made but only after cursing at you that you aren't her brother or sister. She'll let you reprogram her as she's eating.

4. Play the Belarusian national anthem loud enough to surround the neighborhood and your unit will wake up peacefully and let you reprogram her directly, that is, after convincing her that you _will_ buy that IVAN BRAGINSKI unit next. Which you should do as soon as possible, or at least find another owner who has one.

**Reprogramming **

After you successfully get NATALYA ARLOVSKAYA out of her packaging, you can reprogram her to any of the following settings and/or modes:

_Obsessed (default)_

_Day-dreamer_

_Insightful_

_Violent_

_Mild-mannered (locked_)

NATALYA ARLOVSKAYA arrives in her default _Obsessed_ mode, which means that she will spend the majority of her time thinking about IVAN BRAGINSKI, chasing IVAN BRAGINSKI, stalking IVAN BRAGINSKI, attempting to violate IVAN BRAGINSKI, supporting IVAN BRAGINSKI, and basically trying to get him to indirectly sign any of the marriage certificates she was packaged with. She isn't outright _Violent_ when in these two modes, only if she becomes extremely annoyed or when she sees any instance of something and/or someone getting in the way of her "becoming one with big brother". Try to stay out of her way, but most importantly, make the effort to listen to her troubles when she fails to attain her sibling. She'll learn to appreciate you more when you do this and won't be as moody.

The _Day-dreamer_ is easily accessed by leaving her on her own for a couple of hours, if she has given up on IVAN BRAGINSKI for the day, or if she finds any of your family photo albums. She'll space out now and then for hours at a time until night, but you shouldn't think too much about it, she's only blanking out, and isn't doing anything harmful. Just be careful to not let any of your other units to interrupt her while in her trance, this will jolt her to _Violent_ in under two seconds. It's normal if she stares at the white noise of the television screen for three hours straight. Also, don't be concerned if she stares at another unit's genitals. She won't do anything. Trust us.

_Insightful_ is also easily unlocked when she's left on her own, when she stares at the moon too long, when you let her over-watch the Discovery channel, or if it's raining and she'll either start writing in her diary immediately, or lapses into _Day-dreamer_. She'll write more in her diary and quote famous people or say phrases that are an inspiration. She spouts beautiful philosophies about life and death and simple things that will make you want to live more slowly. The difference is that she is very much conscious in this setting, and won't be as prone to attacking you or anyone else if someone crosses her path.

_Mild-mannered _is locked for a viable truth. This mode is very out-of-character for her and she acts like a soft-spoken girl who can get her point across well, albeit, timidly so. She isn't violent at all and can very well get along with others much better than in her default modes. Getting her to this setting is engaging as it is demanding. You must find a YEKETERINA CHERNENKO in her _Formidable_ mode, an IVAN BRAGINSKI in his Out of Character mode, and a _Mature_ or _Postal_ ALFRED F. JONES to spend time around her while she is in her _Insightful_ mode. This will recreate nostalgia and mixed feelings toward her siblings and the American so much that it will deteriorate her to this state unexpectedly.

**Relationships with other Units**

IVAN BRAGINSKI: Your unit will get along just fine with this unit –by 'just fine' we mean with her sexually harassing, following, or stalking him with the intent of getting him to sign the marriage forms– and if by some miracle, you somehow manage to convince IVAN BRAGINSKI that she isn't a crazed sociopath who only wants him to get past the "incest" thing and to have her hand in marriage already, they might just end up becoming a couple. After all, she surprisingly wants to do normal things with him in the relationship, like taking walks and talking. Mostly.

ALFRED F. JONES: NATALYA ARLOVSKAYA is curious of the ways of this unit, and he is curious about her. He finds her very interesting, and he catches her attention often when she isn't vying for her brother's union with her. They both love old-timey brass band and rock music. After breaking away from her brother, she will slowly start to cling to ALFRED F. JONES unknowingly. Though there are some barriers to overcome, they are the most likely pairing compared to somehow making IVAN BRAGINSKI want to marry his sister. Note that IVAN BRAGINSKI will be open minded to this match but will get mixed feelings about it due to the protective instincts he has for his younger sister getting together with his enemy/friend, and the same with ALFRED F. JONES not wanting to ask her out for fear of the consequences with her older brother.

YEKETERINA CHERNENKO: Your unit has a strange relationship with her sister. She finds her annoying and irritating, because she is a bewitching older sister who always gets the attention of her "Big brother Russia" because she is pitiable. But, she still cares for this unit to some extent and will help her with labor or massaging her back and shoulders infrequently.

TORIS LAURINAITIS: Your unit hates and despises this unit and will often prank call his owner's house just to get to him. He likes her though, so he won't be defensive because he is blinded by his puppy love for her. A possible relationship could ensue, if there isn't an IVAN BRAGINSKI in the picture and his sincerity breaks her walls somehow.

**Cleaning**

Your unit can clean herself, thank you very much, and will not let you assist her. Read: she will creatively sever your limbs and hang you in artistic patterns on the wall if you offer to do so.

**Feeding**

She will preferably only eat Russian foods. Say nothing if she wonders out loud about eating off the chest of the IVAN BRAGINSKI unit next door.

**Rest**

She wakes up early to watch the sunrise and gets lively around 10 am. She will go to sleep a little bit later than an IVAN BRAGINSKI unit but will do it naturally because of tiredness.

**Frequently Asked Questions**

Q: _Help! _I got a mad psychopath girlfriend-type girl who is threatening to kill everyone who gets in her way of incestuous marriage delivered to my house!

A: We told you. Just another price to pay aside from the shipping and handling of buying this particular unit. Maybe you shouldn't have ordered her to begin with. We can offer a trade off with another unit, but it will always be replaced by a YEKETERINA CHERNENKO unit, who is just as troublesome, but in a different way.

Q: Is there a way to get her obsessed over something other than my IVAN BRAGINSKI unit?

A: Highly unlikely. If you introduce her to an ALFRED F. JONES unit, this will go smoothly, romantically for them and safe for you. He will also get her to mellow out more because of his positive nature, so this will kick her into _Mild-mannered_ mode more easily if you encourage this relationship.

**Troubleshooting **

Problem: My unit has cornered my neighbor's IVAN BRAGINSKI unit!

Solution: Let it happen. It's impossible to stop a NATALYA ARLOVSKAYA unit once she's close to capturing an IVAN BRAGINSKI. He'll get away in some manner, but if not, well, at least your neighbor will have the peace of an _Out-of-Character_ IVAN BRAGINSKI unit for a few weeks until he bounces back.

Problem: My unit is suddenly warming up to others and has dyed her hair a different color and prefers pink dresses. She's suddenly acting like a Yamato Nadeshiko!

Solution: Congrats! You've unlocked her hidden _Gentle Lady _mode! In this mode, she will be like the ideal woman and be more likely to have a relationship with TORIS LAURINAITIS and get along better with IVAN BRAGINSKI or anyone in general and join the friendship circle with the Best Friends Trio composed of ELIZAVETA HEDEVARY, LILLI VOGEL, and YEKETERINA CHERNEKO. She'll mirror her 2P! self in image and behavior in this mode. If you are a messed up masochist, and don't want her in this mode, you can easily get her out of this mode by reading her diary out loud or watching a gory horror movie in front of her.

Problem: Instead of finding a full grown NATALYA ARLOVSKAYA, you found a six year old clad in winter wear with choppy short hair and a very quiet and feeble demeanor.

Solution: Well what do you know! We've spared you a nightmare with this younger version of your NATALYA ARLOVSKAYA by mixing it up with a Little!Belarus unit. This is a younger edition of NATALYA ARLOVSKAYA that is more quiet and easier to get along with as well as being tolerated by IVAN BRAGINSKI and YEKETERINA CHERNENKO who will adore her in this form. This is her before she gets mercilessly attached to IVAN BRAGINSKI and the formation of the Soviet Union. If you want to send her back for a normal NATALYA ARLOVSKAYA (we recommend that you keep her because that is the rational thing to do) just send her back by calling Customer Services and we will provide you with your desired unit. Don't look into her eyes; she will make you feel like a criminal for not keeping her.

**End Notes **

With trustworthy medical and life insurance, you will get to the bottom of the mysteries of this unit, so everyone can get along with her somehow. We will send you our prayers, and a beautifully written obituary as well.

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_**A/N: Yaaaaaay... I'm done with the lovable psycho... she's cool. Wow, I got my first troller! I must be a really good writer if I'm getting one of those! This is so exciting! XD Dear Troller, I 'ppreciate you man! Peace out! Go ahead and lay it on me! It just calls more attention to my writing! Love ya!  **_


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